Note: This page has been added to provide our members with some soothing music or humor during our time of "safe distancing" due to the COVID-19. We will periodically add jokes for all to enjoy.
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax . Let's have a nice cup of tea,
and then," he said with a deep sigh .............
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
Lexophile" describes those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", "To write with a broken pencil is pointless." _______________________________________________________
An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile.
This year's submissions:
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.
I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
When chemists die, they barium.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
Confucius Did Not Say:
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.
Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time
between yesterday and 15 years ago.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
* * * * * * * * * * * *
When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
I run like the winded.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
* * * * * * * * * * * *
When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
* * * * * * * * * * * *
I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
******************
So, we're into our 6th month of this pandemic. These various quotes made me laugh, which I needed!
1. So let me get this straight, there’s no cure for a virus that can be killed by sanitizer and hand soap?
2. Is it too early to put up the Christmas tree yet? I have run out of things to do.
3. When this virus thing is over with, I still want some of you to stay away from me.
4. If these last months have taught us anything, it’s that stupidity travels faster than any virus on the planet, particularly among politicians and bureaucrats.
5. Just wait a second – so what you're telling me is that my chance of surviving all this is directly linked to the common sense of others? You’re kidding, right?
6. People are scared of getting fined or arrested for congregating in crowds, as if catching a deadly disease and dying a horrible death wasn’t enough of a deterrent.
7. If you believe all this will end and we will get back to normal just because we reopen everything, raise your hand. Now slap yourself with it.
8. Another Saturday night in the house and I just realized the trash goes out more than me.
9. Whoever decided a liquor store is more essential than a hair salon is obviously a bald-headed alcoholic.
10. Remember when you were little and all your underwear had the days of the week on them. Those would be helpful right now.
11. The spread of Covid-19 is based on two factors: 1. How dense the population is and 2. How dense the population is.
12. Remember all those times when you wished the weekend would last forever? Well, wish granted. Happy now?
13. It may take a village to raise a child, but I swear it’s going to take a whole vineyard to home school one.
14. Did a big load of pajamas so I would have enough clean work clothes for this week.
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
DEGREES OF BLONDES
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning
The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street.
One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says,
'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her
purse to take out the gun and, as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.'
FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when
he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew
what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.'
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call
on the radio and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help and what do they do? Send me a blind policeman.
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Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced #1 Blonde.
"Do what?" asked #2 Blonde .
"Send my lawn out to be mowed."
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . . Having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a driver’s license.
At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.
Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always
Catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
o Walking 20 minutes can add to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $4000 per month.
o My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is
o I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
o The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
o I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
o I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there
o Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
o I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
o The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'
o If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
o I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years...... just getting over the hill.
o We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it
AND
o Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
"Anniversary Surprise"
Two well seasoned ranchers were having coffee at their favorite diner in Wichita one day, when Joe mentioned that he had a wedding anniversary coming up. "We'll be married 50 years," he noted.
"That's a big one," Sam observed. "got anything special planned?"
Joe thought for a while before replying, "Well, I took Mary Lou to Kansas City for our 25th anniversary. Maybe I'll go get her and bring her home for our 50th."
Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis and one day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Ole said, "I vish ve had sometin ta drink!"
Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I hear ya can drink dat yet fuel and get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed.
Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?"
Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?"
Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?"
Ole says, "No dat jet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, notin. Ve oughta do dis more often."
Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting."
Ole asked, "Vat's dat?"
Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"
Ole stopped to think. "No "
"Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Iowa."
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them).
1.. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2.. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it's still on my list.
3.. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4.. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5.. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.
6.. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
7.. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8.. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9.. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify... " I answered " a doctor."
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
14. When using your rifle to be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
Sadly this is true!!! So...
Spread the laughter, share the cheer, let's be happy, while we're here.
Here's what the experts said:
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the
Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but
the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while
the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Many Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
While the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!”
Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the
Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the
Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter.”
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but
the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty
Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.
I hope they give us two weeks notice before sending us back out into the real world. I think we'll all need the time to become ourselves again. And by "ourselves" I mean lose 10 pounds, cut our hair and get used to not drinking at 9:00 a.m.
New monthly budget: Gas $0 Entertainment $0 Clothes $0 Groceries $2,799.
Breaking News: Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to stop COVID-19, but to stop eating.
Low maintenance women are having their moment right now. We don't have nails to fill and paint, roots to dye, eyelashes to re-mink, and are thrilled not to have to get dressed every day. I have been training for this moment my entire life!
When this quarantine is over, let's not tell some people.
I stepped on my scale this morning. It said: "Please practice social distancing. Only one person at a time on scale."
Not to brag, but I haven't been late to anything in over 6 weeks.
It may take a village to raise a child but I swear it’s going to take a vineyard to home school one.
I wanted zombies and anarchy. Instead we got working from home and toilet paper shortages.
Worst. Apocalypse. Ever.
You know those car commercials where there's only 1 vehicle on the road - doesn't seem so unrealistic these days ...
They can open things up next month, I'm staying in until July to see what happens to you all first.
Day 37: The garbage man placed an AA flyer on my recycling bin.
The spread of Covid-19 is based on two things:
1. How dense the population is.
2. How dense the population is.
Appropriate analogy: "The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now" = "The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now".
People keep asking: "Is coronavirus REALLY all that serious?" Listen y'all, the churches and casinos are closed. When heaven and hell agree on the same thing it's probably pretty serious.
Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money.
Home school Day 1: I'm trying to figure out how I can get this kid transferred out of my class.
Putting a drink in each room of my house today and calling it a pub crawl.
Okay, the schools are closed. So do we drop the kids off at the teacher's house or what?
For the second part of this quarantine do we have to stay with the same family or will they relocate us? Asking for myself ...
Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs. We wander around the house looking for food. We get told "No" if we get too close to strangers and we get really excited about going for walks and car rides.
The dumbest thing I've ever bought was a 2020 planner ...
Enjoy your day. You don't have anything else to do.
It was entertainment night at the senior citizens center.
After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show- Claude the hypnotist !
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
“Yes, each and everyone of you and all at the same time “ said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique pocket watch and chain.
“I want you all to keep your eyes on this watch” said Claude, holding the watch up high for all to see.
“ It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations “ said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting “Watch the watch”- Watch the watch”- Watch the watch”.
A hundred and fifty eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were all hypnotized !!!
And then , suddenly, the chain broke and the beautiful antique watch fell to the stage And burst apart on impact.
“SHIT” shouted Claude.
It took them three days to completely clean up the senior citizens center and Claude was never invited back again !
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
________________________________
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me
for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that
I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
_____________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_____________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
Tragic: Bill Gates Had A Cure For Coronavirus But It Was Erased By A Windows Virus
Two little boys were at a wedding when one of them leaned over to the other and asked:
How many wives can a man have?
His friend answered - sixteen
Four better
Four worse
Four richer
Four poorer
• Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
• I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
• I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
• Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom
• PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
• Home-schooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
• I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone
• This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.
• So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?
• Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
• My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
• Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
• I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
• I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to ‘’Puerto Backyarda’’. I'm getting tired of ‘’Los Livingroom’’.
• Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
• Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said, "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year"... I'm offended.
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself "It's certainly not a ship".. and as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars.
He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket and removes a flask and hands it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink."'Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. ''Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.
She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too!"
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
Will you spend this on old car parts” the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. I haven't played with old cars in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and old cars.”
SIPPING VODKA
A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice.. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12..
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10...
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said,"Take this and eat it for this is my body.." He did not say,"Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
TWO GUYS IN LOWE'S
Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.
The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.
'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'
The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'
The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big
blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?'
The old timer says...... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for Yours.'
Most Old timers are helpful like that!
Two little kids are in the hospital,lying on stretchers next to each other,outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks “What are you in here for ?”
The second kid says “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I am a little nervous”
The first kid says”You’ve got nothing to worry about.I had that done when I was four.They put you to sleep,and when you wake up they give you lots of ice cream and jello. It’s a breeze.
The second kid then asks “What are you here for ?”
The first kid says “A circumcision”
And the second kid Says “Whoa, I had that done when I was born.
I couldn’t walk for a year !